Just wanted to let you know that if you need my services as a male dancer for his birthday, let me kno so I can clear my schedule
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
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