She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
Btw...I puked in my hand last night and threw it on the floor. Don't let me do tequila ever again.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
As a friend tho, you have the biggest dick I've ever seen
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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