So drunk its hurt
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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