i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I was really disturbed by what initially appeared to be a dismembered head sitting beside you. Then I realized you were laying on her body.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
But on a side note, how the fuck do you "accidentally " get peed on
Randomize
