I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
