Don't be mad at me. I know peeing in your drawer is 1 thing and peeing on you while you're sleeping is another, but im sorry..i love you
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
