Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
Just got caught pissing on a plant in her room while she was in the shower first word out of my mouth were my bad
In a bar in glasgow talking to a 12 year old about life. Welcome to Kentucky.
You asked him to stand still, you put your leg on his shoulder, started dry humping the air
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
I'm kind of pissed I'm not hungover, that means I could have totally drank more last night.
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
Randomize
