I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Finding a keg in our kitchen would be like god personally high fiving each of us.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
how does that bad decision feel?
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
