Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
i just woke up in my dog's bed, on my parents floor, my outfit on backwards, and a bottle of lube poured down my pocket.
Randomize
