Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
So this is what you do on your hungover days off put your balls into an egg carton?
This is my gift to your gina
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Randomize
