My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
if anyone knows where my shirt is please let me know and if you know why I don't have my own shirt please also let me know. also do any of you know why I'm missing a bra wire?
Thou shall not get drunk and hit bitch cup in pong and take shirt off while wearing a see-through lace bra again
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm not saying it wasn't great. I'm just saying sleeping with a gassy, depressed,45 year old mother was a different experience. Would do it again though.
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