she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
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