Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
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