she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
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