i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
Can you send me the picture you took of me smoking a joint with the cat make-up on?
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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