It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
You never know how much you love your bed until you sleep with 4 other people in your car.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Once someone takes a shit in your toilet they are no longer a guest.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize
