I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
my roommate just said she thinks she got a flashback or some memory of me getting hit by a car.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
i need some magic done to my vagina
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
