I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
Send me one of your boob pics as an example. I mean this in the straightest least lesbian way possible.
I don't believe in coincidence. I believe in the stars aligning perfectly to sodomise me in public. Who ever said I was cynical?
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Randomize
