Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I really care about you, but im still gonna have to make you pay for dinner from the pain and suffering in my knees and vagina.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
So is it your turn now to pretend like dating someone else would stop us from fucking?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Randomize
