Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
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