she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
i found a dude playing guitar on the portapotty
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
Hook ups at LEGOLAND don't count right?
Are we playing inappropriate sexual encounters bingo?
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
The last thing I remember was them slipping shots into my beer bong, and me being happy about it
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