Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Have you ever chased with pilaf before? Because dont.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
He had a small dick anyway. I'm glad I barfed on it.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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