giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
