i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
This dress was meant to end up on your floor
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Remember that time i gave you head on MY birthday and you made me stop so you could watch the rhino part in 300
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
Randomize
