I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
Today's forecast: 90% chance of bad decisions, good stories, solid new dick and artichoke pizza
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
