when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
