I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
Google Chrome's "top 8 most visited sites" page has become my motivation to stop masturbating
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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