I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
nothing as in nothinggggg kills the mood for me is when a girl with 4 cm nipple hair
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home
Challenge accepted.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
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