Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
You love popeyes more than me
does delicious chicken come out of your vagina?
my ex just saw me in his brothers bed. fuck yes revenge feels good
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
I shouldn't have that kind of responsibility when the prospect of being high is readily available. All I could do was hula hoop and smoke cigarettes last night. My remembrance of anything important was out the window.
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So...#1 on my TO DO list for college is to fuck someone somewhere in the stadium during the homecoming game...you down?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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