What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!
I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.
You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
Wait... why were you finger painting at one in the morning?
Randomize
