pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
Randomize
