That bar we were at last night smelled like cougars. Virginia Slims, Aqua Net and Summer's Eve.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I had a terrible day! The only thing that makes me feel better is knowing Jack Bauers day was worse.
There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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