Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I wish i could convert my hornyness to productiveness. I would have written a fucking book by now.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
all my mom knows is what I put on facebook. So... I mean... She knows we drink a lot.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
