PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
What do you think it is?
It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
Randomize
