Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's been so long that I've occasionally forgotten I own a vagina
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
if you were broke and planning on using koolaid as a tequila chaser which flavor would you pick?
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
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