So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
i mean, not my actual scene but if someone says "PARTY" ill figure it out
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
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