Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
She wanted me to stick my dick in the birthday cake she got me
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
