planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
New Dating App in Dallas For Only The Most Ambitious and Attractive Singles
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
I'm on the fast track to lesbian land
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????