i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
I just saw a man with a full beard and frosted tips
there is no god
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just twinged a muscle in my shoulder trying to hug myself. In the world of loneliness-based injuries, this is a new low for me.
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
Randomize
