At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
When did we convert life to cartoon?
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Randomize
