im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
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