I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
Just saw a white stretch Hummer limo outside of CiCi's pizza. Way to live up to the stereotypes, Alabama.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
Started out playing table tennis then ended up fucking him on the table. Happy cinco de mayo
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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