just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Apparently Sundays are the worst days for your friends to get their head split open and need stitches...there's only 1 doctor on duty
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
Randomize
