At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
woke up in a random sweater in a random bed in a random house on a street I don't recognize..
also, I vaguely remember swapping shirts with some random guy on the dance floor.
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Randomize
