I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I love you. And by the way. I found out a way for you to train your gag reflex. Elliot taught us in math.
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
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