He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
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So the weirdest part of it all was he whispered in my ear "can i eat you out on your tredmill?" I dont find him attractive at all anymore
When that rick ross song came on he started ripping up dollar bills and pouring out drinks on the floor. I'm all for ignorance but it was a little excessive for a wedding
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
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How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
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