my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Just so you know.. I just graduated college with your name still written on my chest
If that doesn't scream bromance I dont know what does
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
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It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
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Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
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