bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
I feel like they've probably fucked. Like.. you don't just bring a bitch a Big Mac if you haven't fucked her.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
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