Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
He's tying my arms above my head and all I can think is that I should've shaved my armpits
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
HE CALLED HIMSELF HOT BAR GUY.
If I remember correctly he wasn’t
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
