Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
We mailed him an 18 inch double headed dildo for his birthday. The Fedex guys certainly got a laugh out of it.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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