dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
umm, I just masturbated to old Justin timberlake on MTV jams. in need of dick ASAP
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
Plus he stuck it in when you were sleeping which would have been the tipping point for me but you art school kids are all liberal and shit
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
