Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Moral of the story: next time my plans include you and bourbon, I'm packing a toothbrush.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
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