I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Honest to god.. She looks better fat. I never would have imagined those words coming out of my mouth, EVER.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
Would it be weird if I bought knee pads and shin guards to fuck in my car?
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
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